I Say It Best When I Say Nothing At All.....

This Star Wars craze cracks me up. People have been sleeping on the streets for days to be the first to see George Lucas' latest movie. Nevermind the fact that the last two movies he made were junk. I guess the third time is supposed to be the charmer. What possesses people to camp on the streets in inclement weather for days to see a movie? I love movies, but I could never justify spending a week camped out on a city street for something that will be on half-priced DVD shelves a year from now. Imagine the environment of the first few screenings of the movie! There will be about a thousand geeks crammed into a room the size of house that is built for a family of 5. I am certain those geeks are people who have to be reminded by their mothers to take showers. Now, add another week to the time since they used a bar of soap. "Yeeee haaaah! I'm so excited! This is a place I want to be!" The smart ones will wear gas masks to avoid the smell. They'll look and sound like ...

One of my biggest fears is that two thousand years from now, they'll dig me up and start asking me questions about the Universe: INQUISITOR: "Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?" ME: "Hmmm, well, I don't know the answer to that one....give me another one." INQUISITOR: "Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, but dishwashing detergent is made with real lemons?" ME: "Well, I lived in America. Everything we ate had something artificial, are you suggesting I drink dish detergent?" INQUISITOR: "Does killing time damage eternity?" ME: "I'm not sure, but if you'll put me back in the ground and let me sleep, I'll tell you later." INQUISITOR: "Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?" ME: "Only with a bar of soap." INQUISITOR: "If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?" ME: "Don't be ridiculous! Astronauts ...

So I send the kids downstairs this evening to get their pajamas on. Thirty minutes later, I decide to check on their progress. I find my beautiful daughter, who loves to grab my face and give me wet kisses, is combing her hair and brushing her teeth with a very wet toilet scrubbing brush!

Have you ever dropped a letter into one of those mailboxes on the side of the road, isolated, in the middle of nowhere? I often think, "they don't know this mailbox is here. I might as well be throwing it in the garbage?" How do they remember where all the mailboxes are? Do they update the list? There have been times I pull my car over to one of these isolated mailboxes with mail in hand, I get out of the car and stand there with my hand on the mailbox opening and I talk to the box, "has anyone been here in recent days? If I throw this mail into your mouth, will you notify the mail person that there is something in your tummy that needs to be taken away?" I'll read all the labels on the mailbox to make sure that the box gets some attention. "Last pickup time: 4:30pm." Is this everyday, or was the year 2003 the last time the mailman stopped by here? On days when I have faith, I drop the mail into the box. On days I'm not feeling quite so religio...

I stumbled across one of the most bizarre articles I've ever read. Article Basically, a woman attempted to defraud her insurance company by digging up the corpse of an 81-year old woman and staged a fiery car accident to fake her husband's death, then had him re-emerge as her new boyfriend. The woman then attempted to introduce the "new boyfriend" to their two children as a fellow named Jake Gregg. Granted, the children were only 4 and 1 years of age, but come on! Wouldn't the four year old recognize his daddy? "Hey Mom, your new boyfriend wears the same cologne Daddy did. He even cooks eggs the same way. He also has that same nervous twitch when he is listening to country music." I feel bad for the old woman who was exhumed. What a rude awakening that is! There you are sleeping and having a great dream, when suddenly, someone flips on the light and says, "let's have a barbecue!" Not only is the barbecue unpleasant, but you're the main ...