I Say It Best When I Say Nothing At All.....

An ideal situation is to be given a couple of "practice kids" before having any for real. It would be kind of like bowling a few frames for free before you start keeping score. I used to think having a dog would be adequate preparation for parenthood, but you know, it's not really the same. You can't just leave out a bowl of water and trust that your children will entertain themselves by licking their stomachs and chasing squirrels. Also, if a child does something wrong, like color all over the walls with a permanent marker, you can't just whack him/her on the nose with the Sports Section and say, "Why did you do that?" It is not an effective deterrent.

Before I left the States to serve a mission in Brazil, I brought with me a few rolls of coins. I was informed that children in Brazil love American money. I was certain I would become a great friend to all the children I presented United States coins to. As I would hand pennies to the children, I would tell them the neat and marvelous things I would do with pennies. "One of the great American pastimes is to take your pennies and lay them on a railroad track. When the train comes along, it will flatten your pennies." All of the parents and children would laugh and laugh. I would think to myself... "I'm a star! They love me! Maybe I should sing for them. I should run for office while I'm here. Who thought I could buy their love with pennies." News traveled quickly about the cool North American who gave out American money and would tell great stories. As I walked down the street, people would point at me and laugh. I would blush and wave to all. ...

I got around to changing the oil on our Honda Accord today. We've only had this car since last summer, but this is the first time I've taken the time to get the oil changed. Yes, I know, you are gasping with such a horrible revelation. "No oil change in nearly a year? Shame on you! How can you be such a bad parent? What's next? You gonna make it do push-ups until it throws up?" I figure my penance came by the amount of time I set aside today to get the oil changed. Would you believe I left my office at 12:00 this afternoon and I did not return until 2:30? I checked the vehicle in at the local Wal-Mart and was advised it would be 45 minutes. "Okay," I said, "no problem. I'll just wander about the store for a little while." About 45 minutes later, I returned to see my car still patiently standing in line, waiting his turn. He winked at me and I blushed. “Don’t go away, son. Daddy will just sit here in the waiting room and watch ...

I know I'm selfish when I drive. The true ugliness that lurks in our souls doesn't always come out, but in traffic, it comes out plenty. When you're stuck in traffic, you hate everybody. "Oh, look at this idiot! Why doesn't he just go? He sees I'm here, doesn't he? Why wouldn't he go? Come on, go go go go GO! If you would just go, there would be no traffic. That's why there's traffic: your failure to go!" We always seem to be in a hurry no matter where our destination. You could be on your way to a dentist appointment to have him play Carol of the Bells with your nerves, and you're still angry at the person in front of you for not driving faster. "Get a move on Cowboy! Can't you see you are the bane of my existence? Why are you driving like that? I have a much more pleasurable experience awaiting me with Mr. Dentist. He's going to suck my brains right out of my head with a drill and a hose!" Never mind t...

Several years ago in Cleveland, the following billboards were posted throughout the city. Tell the kids I love them -God Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God C'mon over and bring the kids. -God What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God We need to talk. -God Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God Loved the wedding, now invite me into the marriage. -God That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. -God I love you and you and you and you and... -God Will the road you're on get you to my place? -God Follow me. -God My way is the highway. -God Need directions? -God You think it's hot here? -God Have you read my #1 best seller? There'll be a test. -God Do you have any idea where you're going? -God Don't make me come down there!!! -God

I love cuddling with Coralee, but can someone tell me where the Body Temperature Thermostat (BTT) is kept? We've all heard the physics question about two vehicles (similar in size and weight) traveling towards each other, each at a speed of 40 mph....what would be the speed of impact? It has been a long time since I've taken math and/or physics, but isn't the answer 80 mph? Well, my point is...if this is correct, then two bodies cuddled next to each other at equal temperatures of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, wouldn't the temperature of impact (cuddling) be 197.2 degrees Fahrenheit? Wouldn't long periods of time exposed to such high temperatures eventually lead to death? I'm surprised we haven't heard more stories in the news of married couples found dead in their beds from heat exhaustion or stroke. I guess we must all have enough sense to push away one another before we slip into comas. On some nights, unbeknownst to my dear companion, I encourage her to eat ic...

We just finished an entertaining family night. Jeffrey had the lesson tonight, and he talked about 'people in authority' and where do they get their authority. The kids listed several individuals, such as: The Prophet, The President of the United States, Jesus, teachers, principals.....and Dad. They were then asked to explain where each person obtained their authority. The responses were a joy to listen to. As they went through the list, they came to Dad. "Where does Dad get his authority," they were asked. The response was, "He is voted in by the people!" What I'd like to know is, at the end of this term, who will run against me? Can I carry enough votes to seek re-election? Are there term limits for fathers? I imagine my platform will be based on sugared cereals and family movie nights. As my children approach their teenage years, perhaps remaining in office will become more of a challenge. Can I carry the swing-bedrooms if I veto their dating c...