Hollywood's Best Kept Secret

Are you looking for free entertainment?  Bring your family, a few lawn chairs and an hour or two of your time and you won’t be disappointed.  The stage?  A backyard.  The entertainment?  A couple of horses, 13 chickens and a funny looking bald guy.  The only thing that could improve the performance is if the bald man could somehow figure out how to juggle the chickens while standing on a horse’s back. 

I’m working on the juggling act.

I have a friend that admitted he’s buying the home behind me because of the entertainment value.  He said when people figure out “Hollywood’s Best Kept Secret”, the home values around me will increase dramatically. 

Last year, I bought two horses from a mule ranch in Moab.  Mules are smart.  They test fences by bumping them with their chests.  They will then rise up on their hind legs and leap over the fence like a gazelle.  One of my horses learned the fence jumping skill from the mules. 

The first time she jumped the fence, I happened to be walking out the back door and witnessed it.  My neighbor also saw it happen.  He was calling me on my cell phone as I was running into the yard.  The horse loved her new found freedom.  Her ears and tail went up and she ran back and forth through the field and across the street into another park.  Cars slowed down to watch.  Some immediately pulled out their phones and started taking pictures.  The deer in our neighborhoods are no longer photographed, but wild horses running the streets are definitely worth taking pictures of.  The photos of me chasing after them are priceless.

Before I could even grab a lead rope and get into the field to catch her, my phone was buzzing with text messages from my son, a few miles down the road at the High School, telling me the horse was out.  Not much goes unnoticed anymore with text messaging and other forms of social media.  I think there were even news helicopters above me filming.  Search “Operation Horse Freedom” on YouTube if you think I’m kidding.

I finally found the solution for keeping the horses in.  It is an electric fence.  The only problem is my forgetfulness that it is there.  I’ve bumped into it a time or two.  I even grabbed it once to see if it worked.  Someone at church told me they heard a coyote the other night.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was me.  He was so excited about a potential sighting.  I occasionally put my tongue on the fence just to keep the coyote legend alive.

The other day I walked out to the barn and one of the horses chortled in excitement.  I said, “well, aren’t you a sexy beast?”  I didn’t realize there was a lady next to the fence looking at the horses.  I smiled and waved at her.  She gave me a white-eyed stare, grabbed her children’s hands and quickly walked away.

Last week, two of my boys were out of school and I told them I would take them on a horse ride up the canyon.  I asked my neighbor if I could borrow one of his horses.  I have a large stock trailer that fits my two horses comfortably, but once I tried to put on a third horse of a different gender, the biting and kicking began and before I knew it, I had three horses escape the trailer and they all ran around the field with their ears and tails up.  Media helicopters were already in the air to catch the chaos.  Don’t believe me?  Search for “Operation Trailer Freedom” on YouTube.

My neighbor from across the street came over and told my boys, “cover your ears because your dad is about to say some words you shouldn’t hear”.  I was careful.  Instead, I gave my best coyote impression.

My project this week was to get a light installed in the chicken coop to extend “daylight hours” so they’ll continue to lay eggs through the winter.  I connected the light to a timer that automatically turns the light on just before dark until about 10:30pm and it comes on again in the morning around 5:00am until the sun comes up.  The first night worked like a charm.  The second night, I went outside and didn’t see the light on in the coop.  As I approached it to see what happened, I could smell smoke.

The suspended light had fallen and landed on the floor layered with sawdust.  I disconnected the power source and poured some of the chicken’s water over the black spot in the sawdust.

The next morning, I went outside and saw smoke billowing from the top of the coop.  Apparently, I didn’t put out all of the hot spots.  I now have a 3 foot section of floor burned out.  The chickens were all inside wearing towels around their privates.  I guess they thought I made them a sauna.  They all smell like smoked chicken, so I slapped a sign on the side of the coop that says KFC.

I told my wife not to tell her Fireman friends about this incident because it would embarrass both her and me.  I feel it is best to share these glad tidings on my blog.  Nobody reads that.

So, come one, come all.  You are sure to be entertained.  I could go on and on, but decided it was best to only provide you this snapshot of recent events….sort of like a movie trailer.

I’m thinking I’ll ask my wife for a dog. I know for certain I could expect no drama with one of those.