I Say It Best When I Say Nothing At All.....

Matthew is teething again, and it has been a painful experience for all of us. So far, he has three teeth in, and he is working on his fourth. I can see that tooth just floating on the surface, but for some reason, it won't break through the gum. It is like a shark that nibbles on the toes of his prey without the typical warning there is danger by breaking the surface with his dorsal fin. Do you remember the opening scene in the movie Jaws where Chrissie goes out swimming and is suddenly attacked from below? First there is a slight tug, and Chrissie shows a look of confusion, "what is that?" Suddenly, fear sets in and she realizes she is being eaten alive. Her shrills and shrieks and panic are similar sounds we hear from Matthew. There is nothing we can do to make him happy. He crawls around with this look of, "please pick me up!" Once we pick him up, he wants to be put down, and then he screams even louder because that is not what he wanted. With new t

On Sunday, it was the children's primary program. This is that exciting time each year where all of the children from the ages of 11 down to 3 perform for their parents, friends and relatives. They sing songs and they each have a small speaking part. This is a time for parents to beam and show a moment of pride for their children's abilities as stage performers. These are times when parents wish filming with a camcorder would be acceptable, because chances are, one might end up with the winning video for ABC's AFV (America's Funniest Videos). As a parent of three children who are within this age range, I took turns smiling, winking and encouraging each of my boys as they sang. Because they are boys, they are competitive by nature. I had to make sure that I gave equal attention to each of them, or it may create ill feelings. "Dad, every time I looked at you, you were looking at Jeff. I knew that you liked Jeff more than me!" On occasion, I turned my head

Having family prayer with young children is an experience. After we read scriptures at night as a family, we kneel down together and then I select somebody to say the prayer. This should be a reverent, spiritually building experience, but I must admit the comedy of the situation sometimes boils its way to the surface and the result is a family of gigglers hoping the Lord isn't going to come down those stairs and catch us in the middle of something we shouldn't be doing. It is a challenge for me to select a good rotation in who will be the orator each night. The difficulty is mixing it up enough so that one person is not the orator for the blessing of all the meals, family, companionship and personal prayers. I have to look at this like I am a coach of a baseball team. It is important that my pitchers get at least a day or two of rest before I put them back in the pitching (praying) rotation. There is somebody, however, sitting at the end of the bench that rarely gets used.

Lately, I have really started to wonder what is wrong with me. There was a time when I could stay up for hours, then rebound and be at it again early the next morning and feel refreshed. I could sit down on the couch and read a book or watch a television show during the day and not fall asleep. In fact, if there was a good movie coming out, and there was a midnight showing available, I would call my brothers and cousins and hook up with them for dinner and the movie, then consider going with them to an early morning breakfast. Times have changed! Now, when I am no longer actively engaged in something, I sit down on a comfortable sofa, and I will be unconscious in a matter of seconds. Reading books and watching movies can no longer hold my interest. As you have read from previous posts, a book is the best sleeping pill for me. Once I crack open a book, 40 seconds later, the book is covered in drool. I have recognized that the result of my tiredness comes from my cat and my childre

I am currently reading Hostage , a novel by Robert Crais. As I was reading last night, I realized that my job has some similarities to a hostage negotiator. Although I never have to diffuse a situation to get the hostages and the perpetrators out of an intense situation, I sometimes feel like resolving issues on mortgage files is a lot the same, and the stress could not be any greater than what I deal with, albeit lives are not at stake in my case. Yesterday, one of my loan officer's transferred his borrower's phone call to me. The borrower threatened to walk away from the closing (pull the trigger) unless I was willing to give him what he wanted. He claimed he was being charged $750 more in closing costs than what I told him he would have. He proceeded to tell me that I had lied to him and I had to be charging a lot in junk fees. In reality, he was not overcharged, and his closing costs were very much in line with what he agreed to pay. The $750 overage he was seeing was comin

Coralee didn't have to play the organ today. Bonus! I actually got to sit next to her during Sacrament Meeting. This is a very rare occasion. If this wasn't a bonus enough, I had a second person available to help me keep the kids properly behaved. We have too many children now to completely separate them. It used to be that one child could sit at one end of the pew, then a parent, then a child, then a parent, then a child. Matthew is still being held by one of us, but that still leaves a couple of children who are lucky enough to sit together. In today's arrangement, Nathan and Jeffrey were the lucky ones. The meeting, for the most part, went pretty well today. The more challenging child, Matthew, decided it was time to be fed early in the meeting. This required Coralee to be excused, and there I sat with the other four children. I could see their minds working in sync almost immediately after Coralee left the chapel. Jeff and Nate started poking each other on queue, "

We took the kids swimming on Labor Day at a local indoor, community pool. We all had a great time. The pool is really nice. They have a lazy river, a large circular slide and several different structures that shoot water in all kinds of directions. There is something for everybody there, and when it was time, it was a real challenge to get the kids out of the water so we could head home. I love how water makes people have very little body weight. I was able to carry three children down the lazy river with very little effort. I had one on my back, and the other two were stretched out in a 'Superman' flying position, holding on to my arms that were perpendicular to my body. The kids thought I was the strongest man in the world, and I was nearly convinced that I was. A couple of hours after swimming, hot water leaked out of my ear. All of a sudden, I was hearing better. I didn't even know I was hearing badly. It was just an added bonus to my day. I was thinking, "Gee, I&#

I am surprised at how much time is dedicated to the weather in a short 30-minute newscast. Granted, during a time like Hurricane Katrina, weather is a fascinating segment, but in most cases, the Seven Day Forecast being broadcast and re-broadcast every few minutes is very exhausting. Even radio programs have to tell us about traffic and weather together every 10 minutes. I can see traffic conditions changing frequently, but how often do I need to know it is likely to be sunny? I usually lick my finger and stick it in the air, and I can get a pretty good idea. I also find it interesting that years ago, the weatherman would only predict the weather two to three days out. It then increased to 5 days, and then 7 and finally, they're telling us what will happen 14 days from now. Come on! Who can really tell you what the weather will be like after tomorrow? They have all kinds of fancy satellites and Doppler and Storm Tracker and things that would be really cool on a Corvette, but

As I am sitting here, I am flipping through a book that belongs to Jeff. It is called the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook. In the very beginning of the book there is a WARNING. When a life is imperiled or a dire situation is at hand, safe alternatives may not exist. To deal with the worst-case scenarios presented in ths book, we highly recommend--insist, actually--that the best course of action is to consult a professionally trained expert. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO UNDERTAKE ANY OF THE ACTIVITIES DESCRIBED IN THIS BOOK YOURSELF. It is fascinating to see the perilous situations outlined in this book. Some of them are: How to Escape from Quicksand, How to Escape from a Sinking Car, How to Fend Off a Shark, How to Wrestle Free from an Alligator, How to Escape from Killer Bees, How to Win a Sword Fight, How to Land a Plane, How to Survive If Your Parachute Fails to Open. Wow! Can you only hope your life would be so exciting that you may actually face these types of situations? The authors

We just recently returned from a great trip out to Oregon and we also had the privilege of spending a couple of days on the coast. I love the Oregon Coast. Anytime we make the trip out there, the time near the ocean is always the most cherished. On this trip, we decided to camp at Beverly Beach for the two days we would be there. The first year Cora and I were married, we camped at the same place. This was going to be an entirely new experience, however, because this time five children came along with us. Albeit the experience was relatively trouble free, tenting with no mattress is not on my list of fun things to do. After sleeping on the hard ground, even though I wake to the song of birds and the love of my life lying next to me, I got my day started with problems. My back, neck and every limb are screaming at me for not giving them the proper support throughout the night. Not only do I ache, but my bladder is so full, any external pressure would cause the balloon to burst. I

It was Cora's birthday on Thursday. Happy Birthday Honey! Sorry about the cake. You think I forgot to make one. The somewhat fabricated story goes like this: I was sitting at work on Thursday and realized I was completely prepared for your birthday with the exception of your cake. I wanted this to be a special cake, so I Google'd to find out how to make a great chocolate cake. I came across a recipe that apparently is the World's Most Perfectly Moist Chocolate Cake. The recipe required a visit to the Chocolate Factory, currently operated by Charlie Bucket. I checked my schedule and figured if all the stars were aligned, I could get to the factory, bake your cake, and be home in time to go out to dinner. When I arrived at the Chocolate Factory, an Oompa Loompa greeted me. Because I am small in stature, the Oompa Loompa believed I was his cousin, Dominic. He scolded me for having snuck out of the factory that night. He quickly escorted me to the locker room and had me change

We had an interesting experience early Sunday morning. All of the fire alarms in the house went off around 5:00 AM. Immediately, we popped out of bed and gathered the children. I then decided to be the Stupid Brave Man who walks about the house looking for the fire. I don't know what I would have done had I actually found the fire, but it was the Stupid Manly thing to do. Oh, the things we men will do to show everybody around us that we are special! Coralee called the fire department and had them come out to the house to check the place out. Fortunately, there was no fire, but nobody can explain what was setting off all of the fire alarms. Perhaps the "ghost of fire starters' past" decided to pay us a visit. The firemen, in their gear, went through the house. The explanation we received from them was, "perhaps a spider is nesting in the fire alarms, and he passed over the sensor." At 5:00 AM, the explanation seemed reasonable, but when I was truly conscious

Here are some quotes from some of my favorite movies. Can you name them all? What are we playing for, you ask? A NEW CAR! Back to you Dave: 1) The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was, is lost, for none now live who remember it. 2) At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here? Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it! 3) Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like goin

This is classic. I found this on the internet from an Australian Aviation Magazine: RULES OF THE AIR 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Le

Would you believe I actually fell asleep while having a conversation? I thought it was bad enough that I was catching some Z's at church, but sitting on a sofa and having a one-on-one with somebody? As I am typing this, I cannot tell you what Cora and I were talking about. I've been tapping into all of my memory reserves, and I cannot pull up the data. I can't even tell you who was in mid-sentence when I lost consciousness. If I was the one speaking, that's really pathetic! You may be thinking, this occurred late in the evening.....WRONG! This was the middle of the afternoon! I've had conversations with Cora and I'll be going along, then realize she is no longer responding, but this is usually late into the night, and we're both on our backs and in the comfort of our own bed. Losing consciousness in that setting is acceptable. I entered back into the land of consciousness hearing, "Hello! Are you there?" I snapped back to attention, then ' spe

Every Sunday, it is the same routine: I shuffle all of the kids into the chapel and find our bench on the far right side of the room, a few rows from the front. Bryson usually goes in first and sits closest to the wall. Jeff follows him, then Nate and finally Rae. I try to take the place closest to the aisle, but not on the aisle because Cora plays organ frequently and needs the aisle seat when she returns from playing. My hope and expectation is that I will be able to sit next to my sweetheart. Immediately after we are seated, Jeff and Bryse begin..... "Dad, Jeff is kicking me." "Don't touch each other. Fold your arms, sit facing forward and listen to the music," I say. Thirty-four seconds pass and all is well. On the thirty-fifth second, chaos begins again: "Bryse is licking my ear." "Okay, guys! You blew it. Bryse, go sit on the other side of the bench." Bryse goes to the aisle seat. This leaves Jeff closest to the wall, then Nate...

It seems there are few times we want to be nice while driving. One of those times is when an ambulance has to get through. Suddenly, everyone cooperates. People you've been cursing at are suddenly your friends. You put away your differences as peace and harmony prevail while you clear a path for your neighbors in need. Then.... it's a mad rush for the Ambulance Wake. Everybody wants to get behind that ambulance. "I saw it first, pal. I pulled over first, so I get to go ahead of you. That's how it works!" Ever been stuck behind an accident, and when you finally see the wreckage, you're actually happy? "Here we go....here is the problem. Things should pick up now, as soon as we get past this carnage." Even when you make it to the office, it's all about you. "Sorry I'm late. Some dude's car exploded...right in front of me! Can you believe MY luck? I lost a good 15 minutes."

I was sandwiched between two men on Sunday for Gospel Doctrine; therefore, I have an excuse for my slipping in and out of consciousness. It was hot! I generally like to sit away from all people, but I had no choice in this situation. The class was packed. I snapped out of my 'vision' when I heard someone say, "LOOK AT THAT HAIR! HOW DARE YOU GO OUT IN PUBLIC LOOKING LIKE THAT?!" I spent the rest of the meeting trying to figure out what I had missed, and how did my "going into public" ever become a part of the discussion?

Have you noticed how frequently prayers in church involve the request, "take us home safely"? I heard this mentioned in three separate prayers today. This leads me to wonder, what is waiting for us on the journey home had the person praying not specifically requested we make it there safely? Are there snipers out there waiting for us? How about MACK trucks parked under shade trees waiting for the Mormons to disperse only to run us over at the first sighting. If I didn't know any better, I'd think our church meetings were held at Jurassic Park. If Brother Smith doesn't make it to church next Sunday, I'm convinced he was picked off by a Velociraptor. Let's keep those "safe journey" prayers going.

Cora and I are sitting in the family room, talking about the weather....(What we really talk about is "Mommy and Daddy Talk") Suddenly, there is a loud banging noise that comes from the basement. Shortly following the loud bang, cries and screams also rise up from the basement. Shortly following the screams and cries, threats of the worst kind, "I'm going to tell Mom!" It only takes a few short seconds before Bryse and Jeff are both standing before us, yelling over each other: Bryse: "Mom, Jeff was kicking me." Jeff: "Bryse tackled me." Bryse: "Jeff was kicking me on purpose." Jeff: "No...no...no...no...No!" Bryse: "Yes....yes...yes..Yes!" Mom: "Go back downstairs and figure out your story, then return and report. If your stories don't match, you're going to bed." A couple of minutes letter, giggling is heard from the two boys. They return and report: Jeff: "Mom, what happened was

It has been awhile since we've had a newspaper subscription. I love reading the paper, and I dont' know why. I don't even REALLY read it. I just like to get it, hold it and look in the general direction of the printed surface. It is the sheer challenge of actually managing to find the time to sit down with a paper that is appealing. I think that is really all it is. I'm not all that interested in the content. Sunday's paper is really the only one I take interest in. Everything during the week is just the newspaper agency's attempt at showing us they work normal 40 hour work-weeks. "Hmmm, don't bother running it through the spell checker. I don't think anybody will read us today. In fact, throw in an article about a cat that dresses himself in women's clothing." As I sit down with the Sunday paper, the first thing I do is pull out the sections I'm interested in. I lose the stock reports, the grocery coupons, stuff for sale a

I sat in Sunday School today, quietly hiding myself amongst the sheep of the flock to avoid being called on for prayers and/or scriptures, etc. (You see, this is what men do. We do not like to be called upon to make idiots of ourselves). "Brother Moser, what can you learn from this scripture that was just read?" I clear my throat and look around the room. I think to myself, "Will I ever see these people again?" You see....this is how we justify our actions. We always look around the room and wonder if we'll see these people again. As long as the answer is no, I can act the part of the real me. Unfortunately, I know I will see these people again next week. Darn! "I learn from this scripture that I need to attend my meetings on Sunday, pray regularly and do my home teaching!" Ooops! I realize that is my standard answer to the priesthood questions....."do my home teaching!" Too late to change that now. I should have been paying attention. "

Big, fuzzy bumblebee floating in the breeze Tries to make soft landings on the flowers or the trees. Just before touching down on the landing strip, Sneezes and he tumbles down, landing on his lip. "Cursed are these ghastly wings made of plastic wrap! Why can't I be a cat instead, and sit on someone's lap?" Mother says to him as he cries and shares his woes, "Cats eat hairy mice and lick between their toes." A new day brings the courage to try and try again. On this day's landing, he scores a Perfect 10. As he bounds from petal to petal, he sees his buddy Hector. "There is no better hair gel than this flower's nectar." Two stylin' bumblebees lookin' for a date, "Let's go to Kathy's house, I hear she likes to skate." As they start their journey, the winds begin to blow; "What is all this fluffy stuff, is this what they call snow?" Half a mile later, all the land is white. Two unlucky buddies end up with fr

I bumped into a friend of mine the other day: "Hey, how ya doin'? Everything good? You're good? Family is good? Kids are good? Good! I'm good, everything is good." We just bombarded each other with "goods." "Everything is good? Good. I'm glad you're good. It's good we're all good." There's no time for details, just headlines. "Anybody we know of die? No? Good. So everybody's good? Good." Some people actually tell you how they are, and you might not want to know. "How are you, good?" "Actually, I'm just getting over an intestinal virus...." "Oh, my, look at the time! I thought I could squeeze in a flu story, but it turns out, I cannot...."

It has been awhile since Cora and I have had a chance to go to a movie together. I think we last saw Million Dollar Baby, but coordinating that night out was like a strategic military operation for an invasion of a small country. We had to incorporate two-star generals to successfully pull it off. When you have five children, nothing is spontaneously arranged anymore. It requires days or weeks of planning. Technology is a good thing. It's nice to know that you can purchase your movie tickets in advance and on the internet. The old way of getting movie tickets was always a frustration, but as a seasoned married couple, we were good at it. You can actually split up responsibilities: "Honey, I'm gonna park the car, you get out and buy the tickets...I'll meet you in line." We were a precision drill team. "Okay, you get in the ticket buyer's line. I will park the car, come around the northwest corner and get in the ticket holder's line. I'm at

"Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished." "Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..." Roses are red, violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, and so are you The roses have wilted, the violets are dead, The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head The roses stink, sorta like sheep But leave your name, number, and message after the beep The roses are molding, the violets are rotten And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message a

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. I doubt, therefore I might be. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. The older you get, the better you realize you were. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I love scary books and movies. Allow me to read you a story: Miss Emmeline Takes Off by Walter Brooks When the old Valiant house on the lake was sold for taxes, Miss Emmeline Valiant went to live at Mrs. Purdy's. She took very little with her. She took Thomas, her cat, and her family portraits. The rest of the things were ......... WHAM!...... ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz Hmmmm. Let me try this again: When the old Valiant house on the lake was sold for taxes, Miss Emmeline Valiant went to live at Mrs. Purdy's. She took very little with......... KONK!........ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz "Come on man! You can get through this....just get to the next chapter!" When the old Valiant house on the lake was sold........ BLAM!..............ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I awaken to my wife shaking me and she asks: "Are those three words starting to make sense yet?"

This Star Wars craze cracks me up. People have been sleeping on the streets for days to be the first to see George Lucas' latest movie. Nevermind the fact that the last two movies he made were junk. I guess the third time is supposed to be the charmer. What possesses people to camp on the streets in inclement weather for days to see a movie? I love movies, but I could never justify spending a week camped out on a city street for something that will be on half-priced DVD shelves a year from now. Imagine the environment of the first few screenings of the movie! There will be about a thousand geeks crammed into a room the size of house that is built for a family of 5. I am certain those geeks are people who have to be reminded by their mothers to take showers. Now, add another week to the time since they used a bar of soap. "Yeeee haaaah! I'm so excited! This is a place I want to be!" The smart ones will wear gas masks to avoid the smell. They'll look and sound like

One of my biggest fears is that two thousand years from now, they'll dig me up and start asking me questions about the Universe: INQUISITOR: "Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?" ME: "Hmmm, well, I don't know the answer to that one....give me another one." INQUISITOR: "Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, but dishwashing detergent is made with real lemons?" ME: "Well, I lived in America. Everything we ate had something artificial, are you suggesting I drink dish detergent?" INQUISITOR: "Does killing time damage eternity?" ME: "I'm not sure, but if you'll put me back in the ground and let me sleep, I'll tell you later." INQUISITOR: "Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?" ME: "Only with a bar of soap." INQUISITOR: "If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?" ME: "Don't be ridiculous! Astronauts

So I send the kids downstairs this evening to get their pajamas on. Thirty minutes later, I decide to check on their progress. I find my beautiful daughter, who loves to grab my face and give me wet kisses, is combing her hair and brushing her teeth with a very wet toilet scrubbing brush!

Have you ever dropped a letter into one of those mailboxes on the side of the road, isolated, in the middle of nowhere? I often think, "they don't know this mailbox is here. I might as well be throwing it in the garbage?" How do they remember where all the mailboxes are? Do they update the list? There have been times I pull my car over to one of these isolated mailboxes with mail in hand, I get out of the car and stand there with my hand on the mailbox opening and I talk to the box, "has anyone been here in recent days? If I throw this mail into your mouth, will you notify the mail person that there is something in your tummy that needs to be taken away?" I'll read all the labels on the mailbox to make sure that the box gets some attention. "Last pickup time: 4:30pm." Is this everyday, or was the year 2003 the last time the mailman stopped by here? On days when I have faith, I drop the mail into the box. On days I'm not feeling quite so religio

I stumbled across one of the most bizarre articles I've ever read. Article Basically, a woman attempted to defraud her insurance company by digging up the corpse of an 81-year old woman and staged a fiery car accident to fake her husband's death, then had him re-emerge as her new boyfriend. The woman then attempted to introduce the "new boyfriend" to their two children as a fellow named Jake Gregg. Granted, the children were only 4 and 1 years of age, but come on! Wouldn't the four year old recognize his daddy? "Hey Mom, your new boyfriend wears the same cologne Daddy did. He even cooks eggs the same way. He also has that same nervous twitch when he is listening to country music." I feel bad for the old woman who was exhumed. What a rude awakening that is! There you are sleeping and having a great dream, when suddenly, someone flips on the light and says, "let's have a barbecue!" Not only is the barbecue unpleasant, but you're the main