Answering Machine Messages

• "Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished."
• "Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you
  guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."

• Roses are red, violets are blue,
  Sugar is sweet, and so are you
  The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,
  The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head
  The roses stink, sorta like sheep
  But leave your name, number, and message after the beep
  The roses are molding, the violets are rotten
  And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

• We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!

• You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"

• This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.
• Hi. This is John:
  If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
  If you are my parents, please send money.
  If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
  If you are my friends, you owe me money.
  If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
• Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
• So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
• Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
• A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
• After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
• Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
• Ask not for whom the bell tolls,
• Can’t take your call, I'm hiding from the men in white coats. We've been playing hide'n'seek for weeks, and they still haven't found me! Tee Hee Hee! Leave a message?
• Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
• Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
• Hello, this is John’s answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
• Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
• Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.