I Say It Best When I Say Nothing At All.....

I can't resist. I have to post pictures of the cats who nearly made it to my Kitty Stalker post.

After nearly 14 years of marriage, I was looking over my shoulder to the potential of someone like this coming along to sweep my wife off her feet and steal her away from me: I was watching for the wrong guy! This is the man I should have been watching out for. Today he returns to our home for the second time in a week. He is an older gentleman with hair that is graying and a shuffle to his walk. He has an uncanny ability to change the world.....one washing machine, dryer and trash compactor at a time. I have been replaced by.........

There is a cat that likes to hang around outside my office. I made the mistake of feeding him jerky, and ever since then, I can't get rid of him. He is a very friendly cat. He'll sit outside my window each and every day and beg for attention. If I go outside, he'll immediately cling to my leg and follow-me to the ends of the earth. When I enter the building, he'll quickly try to sneak into the office, and he usually succeeds. Then, I repeat the cycle of luring the cat out of the office with a piece of meat. Can you see my dilemma? I'm a fool! Just a few minutes ago, I decided it was time to check the mail, but I could see the cat sitting outside my window. I knew that if I went outside, he would follow me into the office and then I'd have to try and figure out how to get rid of him again. I told Randall about my dilemma. He laughed and said, "you are controlled by your fears." I, right then and there, decided I would prove Randall wrong. I pl

This took place as I was tucking all the children into bed last night: Rachel: I don't want you to tuck me in.... I want Mom to tuck me in. Me: Come on, let's go! Rachel: No! I want Mom to tuck me in. Me: You've been with Mom all day, don't you want me to tuck you in? Rachel: No! I want Mom to tuck me in. Me: Come on. I'm going to count to three and you better be in your bed. One....two... Rachel: Okay, okay! Fine! But you're not the one? Me: What do you mean I'm not the one? Rachel: I only like Mommy! I don't like you! Me: Well, I love you! Rachel: I can only love Mommy! Me: Goodnight! This is obviously not a good week for me with my kids.

While changing his diaper: Me: You need to make pee pee in the toilet. Matt: No Me: Big boys make pee pee in the toilet. Matt: No Me: You're a big boy! Matt: No, I'm not a big boy....I'm little. Me: How old are you? Matt: I don't know. Me: You're three. Matt: No. Me: Yes, remember you had a birthday and you had a cake and you had a candle and you blew out the candle? Matt: Yeah, and I had marshmallows. Me: Yes, so you're three. You're a big boy. You need to make pee pee in the toilet. Matt: No, Dad! You don't have no hair!

I'm blogging twice in one day......"are you kidding?" I just have to share a classically stupid, Daddy Kodak moment: On Sunday morning, I was helping to get the kids ready for church. I had the four youngest kids in the bath. After I was finished bathing them, I would take them, one by one, out of the tub and get them dressed in their church clothes. I would start with the youngest child and work my way up. By the time I got to the older two kids, I decided rather than get them out myself, I would ask them to get out, while I waited with the warm, dry towel(s). This didn't go over so well. They debated me constantly about why they shouldn't have to get out, and it should go youngest to oldest, or the child with the most hair, or perhaps the child with the longest fingers, or perhaps the child with the cleanest face......anyway...you get the idea. Well, being the kind, patient daddy that I am, I encouraged them: "If somebody doesn't get out of the t

Okay, blogger is telling me that April 19th was the last time I blogged. I find that hard to believe. I think it isn't telling me the truth. Anywhooo, there is quite the buzz about the three books written by Stephenie Meyer, ' Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse'. The books have been flying off the shelves, and even if you try to put one of them on reserve at the library, you'll be on a waiting list behind at least 900 other people. If you were to walk into a store, such as Seagull Book or Wal-mart, and ask for one of these novels, you'll most likely be chased off the premise by the store manager. He may even yell at you and threaten to inflict fatal injuries upon you. If you are lucky, you may find someone who has only worked at the store for a few days, and she may growl at you and say, "Hmmph! NO! We don't have it in stock! Every time a shipment arrives, the books are gone in just a few seconds." These books seem to be most popular with women, b

We men are such shameless creatures. We believe it is okay to tell a lie or two, to anyone and everyone, in an effort to gain the thing we're after. Women, on the other hand, will be straight forward and brutally honest no matter what the circumstance. Not only will they be honest about a situation, they will educate you about it too. To give you an example, on Saturday, I went to Smith's to pick up a frozen pizza to bring home and bake for the kids and me. As I was walking through an aisle that had various outdoor items, such as tents and barbecue items, I saw a father hurriedly walking through that same aisle with two children close behind. His daughter stopped to admire a three-tiered water fountain that was active. The girl quickly asked, "dad, is this poison?" The father turned around, and before he could answer I knew what his response would be. His reply mimicked my thought, "yes, Honey, that is poison. Don't put your hand in there." In my

Well, I had another dream. I just wish I had someone around like Joseph who could interpret the dreams for me. My fear, however, is that someday I may dream about 3 white baskets on my head and in the upper-most basket are bakemeats for the Pharaoh wherein birds are eating the things out of the basket on my head. The last poor bugger who dreamed this dream saw his demise three days later. I would really like to have some understanding to why Kevin Bacon continues to haunt me and my dreams. Perhaps one day he will inquire with Aspen Hills Mortgage for a loan, or maybe I have a hidden motive to be Footloose . Although my recent dream didn't directly involve Kevin Bacon, I did dream about something that reminded me of a movie. Do you remember the movie Freaky Friday? There have been different variations of the original. One came out in 2003 with Lindsay Lohan , but the one I remember was with Jodie Foster in 1976. The general plot summary for the movie is that a mother and daug

Last night, I watched Jaws with my oldest son, Jeff. He has heard me go on and on about how this is my favorite movie of all time, and he finally was able to experience this movie with me. I've only seen this movie about 50 times, and I can almost quote each line word for word. Jeff had to be extremely patient with me as I rambled-off each sentence before the actors delivered their lines. My favorite part of the movie is set at sea while Chief Brody, Quint and Matt Hooper are all sitting around a table sharing stories. Chief Brody notices a scar on Quint's arm and asks him what it is. Quint explains that it was a tattoo he had removed. The tattoo was a symbol representing his service on the USS Indianapolis. This intrigues both Brody and Hooper to know more, so Quint tells of his experience. The story is so eerie and the setting at sea makes the story very compelling. Everyone who ever watches the movie listens intently as the story is told in Quint's Scottish accen

I know this may be hard to believe, but last night, I dreamed about a badger. For whatever reason, I was in a golf cart with all of my office staff. There were 9 of us crammed into this thing. We were driving along, and every once in awhile, the driver would make a sharp turn and I would cling to the frame of the cart trying to stay on board. At one point, I fell out of the cart and landed next to a badger. He was not a friendly creature. He chased me all over the place. I tried to run away, but he managed to catch up with me and he immediately turned me into a mantel piece.....right next to Kevin Bacon.

The kids and I had hot dogs for dinner tonight. As we were eating, Jeff grabbed the mustard bottle and asked, "Dad, what's the first ingredient in mustard?" I answered, "vinegar." "You're right!" Bryson then grabbed the Ketchup bottle and asked me what the first ingredient was. I replied, "sugar!" "Nope, it's tomato paste." Bryson continued, "So, what are you made of?" Before I could answer, he said,"you are made of one part flesh, one part bone, one part vinegar, one part mean, one part funny, one part gas and one part bald."

My last post was about dreaming of hairy yaks. Well......this is what I dreamed about last night. The good ole American Bison. From what I can remember, I was looking for office space to lease and I ended up in a church and I was directed to a classroom that I could lease as a mortgage office. Upon entering the office, I walked into a forest with lots of Bison. Without a saddle, I rode the Bison bareback. Every once in awhile, he would get spooked by a Native American who attempted to shoot him and me with an arrow. He would run and run, and I successfully managed to stay on him. After riding him from the forest to the great Western Plains, I eventually ended up in Chicago. The Bison and I ended up on a second level building and he ran over the edge of the building and I fell until I landed perfectly sitting up-right at a restaurant table where I was entertained by Kevin Bacon. He thanked me for joining him and then left....leaving me to pay for his meal.

I sometimes think about why I blog. I don't really know why. I am generally an introverted person. I guess this is a way for me to express myself; or to allow others, who may not necessarily know me very well, an opportunity to get to know who I am and what I like. It gives me an opportunity to take 'center stage' when that isn't usually a place I am comfortable, but while expressing myself in writing, I get my point across and I sometimes see people chuckle. Seeing people laugh always makes me happy. The other day, I received an email from a prospective client. He was inquiring about mortgage interest rates. Funny thing, though: I have several email rules and filters setup on my Microsoft Outlook account, so if I receive an email with the word RATES in the subject line, my Outlook account automatically forwards it out to all of my employees. I do this so they have access to all of the different mortgage rate sheets and programs that come in from many of the di

Coralee occasionally has to remind me to mellow out and relax. She teases me about going into Irritable Dad Mode. I just agree with her, because I know she's right. I have all kinds of issues if things are out of place. Generally, when I'm home, I start barking orders to the kids to pick up their trains, and dress up clothes, and race cars, etc. Last night, before I climbed into bed, my beautiful sweetheart had this sweet grin on her face. "Yeee haaah, I'm getting lucky!" was my first thought. When I realized that wasn't necessarily the game plan, I said, "what?" She replied, "I'm just shocked that you missed something out of place." It turned out our bedroom door was ajar, something that would generally drive me nuts. I said, "Ah, I would have noticed it before actually getting into bed." She suggested leaving it open, because maybe our cat wouldn't knock on our door if he could just enter. Perhaps he may even go o

As I have been reading back over some of my posts, I realize my general theme is 'sleep deprivation'. I have been so frustrated lately, because I've really been wanting to read a book....any book, but I have not been successful. I checked out a book from the library last week, and everytime I sat down to read it, I fell asleep. I sat down to watch SportsCenter on ESPN a couple of nights ago, and apparently, I fell asleep while changing channels. When I came to, the right side of my face was numb from having rested my head on my hand and the channel guide was still active on the television. I hadn't even located my program yet. As I have metioned before, I like to bring my dog, Jack, to work with me. The other day, I found mysef wearing a dog collar with a leash attached to the filing cabinet. I was snuggled up nicely on Jack's mattress, and I looked up and I noticed Jack was sitting in my office chair sending out emails. Kevin Bacon was sitting in the chair opposite

Because the ground has thawed and it is very soft because of the recent snow and rain, I am realizing that the stake I have used to keep Jack secured in the backyard is NOT so very secure. He simply pulls this out of the ground, and then he runs all over the yard with his chain and stake attached. This weekend, I decided to connect his chain to the play fort. The only problem is, he will wind himself around all of the 4" x 4" posts, and when I look outside, I see that he is pinned to the side of the fort. So.... every few minutes, I go outside and untangle him, all the while cursing him about how stupid he is. "You really are dumb Jack! Why do you have to be so stupid Jack? Grow a brain Jack!" I then realize this sounds just like Gary Larson's, The Far Side cartoon where the dog is listening to his master and he hears, "Blah Blah Blah Jack! Blah Blah Blah Blah Jack? Blah Blah Blah Blah Jack!" The thought also crosses my mind that Jack does this

Before I left for work this morning, I told Coralee I was going to leave my dog, Jack, at home. I sometimes take Jack to work, but I have recently hired several new people and I am currently training them. I thought it was best to leave Jack at home so I wouldn't have to entertain him today. Jack has done a pretty good job at training me. I have mastered sitting and playing dead and rolling over. The latter is a great trick to perform for my employees and my clients. If there are more than five people in a room and I perform that trick, I can usually generate an applause. When Jack is left at home, he is on a chain that is connected to a ground stake that is near our children's play fort. This play fort is very old and is barely holding together. Coralee was encouraging this morning and suggested that perhaps Jack would chew on the legs of the fort and it would come tumbling down on top of him and kill him. She then asked me if I would miss Jack. I replied that I would

This morning, I fed Rissa a mix of peaches and oatmeal for breakfast. After every spoonful, she would blow raspberries at me. Many times, this happened long before she would swallow what she was given. The result: I am covered in baby food shrapnel. I am dressed in slacks, a white shirt and a tie. As I am typing this, my youngest son is showing me the interesting items that come from his nose. He was amused at the stickiness of it to his fingers, but has now become bored with that. The most logical place to put this is on my white shirt. I don't feel like changing my shirt, so I am going to church in my "daddy fatigues", and I don't even feel concerned about it.

Last night, I was sitting in a rocking chair and eating some Skittles my mom sent to our family for Valentine's Day. While I was munching away, Rachel came in: Rachel: "Can I have some?" Me: "No." Rachel: "Why not?" Me: "Because you've had so much sugar over the last couple of days, if you were to eat some more you would bleed sugar." Rachel: "Why are you eating candy?" Me: "Because I feel like it." Rachel: "Well, I feel like it too." How can I resist my beautiful little girl's charm?

I've been slacking in my patriarchal duties of keeping our family on task at reading scriptures daily. I need to be much better at this. We did, however, read scriptures on Sunday night. Nathan is in kindergarten this year and he is learning to read. We try to have him sound out some words occasionally. He began, "Behold, it came to piss." Oh, if scripture reading was always this entertaining.....

Have you ever played the game, Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon? The idea is that any actor/actress can be linked, through their film roles, to Kevin Bacon. The game requires a group of players to try to connect any film actor in history to Kevin Bacon as quickly as possible and in as few links as possible. An example would be: Val Kilmer was in Top Gun with Tom Cruise and Tom was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon, this would give a Bacon number of 2. Why am I bringing up Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon? I have no idea....other than the fact that I dreamed about him the other night. This was a very strange dream. I was dreaming about printing loan applications and every time I would hit the print icon on my computer screen, Kevin Bacon would appear. This would happen over and over again. I guess this means my degree of separation to Kevin Bacon is only one. I don't even like Kevin Bacon. Why couldn't my dream involve someone hot like Jessica Alba or Natalie Portman or Angelina Jol

If you have read my previous post , you'll understand the logic to this post. The other night, I had to get up to use the bathroom. When I returned to bed, Cora said, "you know, if you didn't want to turn on the light to use the bathroom, you could just do what we women do and back in and sit on the toilet." To be honest, in all of my years, I had never considered this. My response was, "well, I would consider doing that, but my biggest fear is that someone may leave the toilet seat up and I may fall into the toilet." Never mind the fact that Coralee and I are the only two people who use this bathroom, if I were to do such a thing, my manliness meter may drop a few degrees. No can do! I'll continue to turn on the light and do it like a man!

Yes, call me crazy, but I put my dog, Jack Bauer, on my company's website as one of the employees. Yes, he also has an email address, jbauer@aspenhillsmortgage.com. In tribute to Jack, Scott sent me a great email: 50 Facts about Jack Bauer (from 24) 1. Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment. 2. The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives. 3. Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism. 4. Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry. 5. Surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them." 6. If Jack Bauer was in a ro

Last night, when he was supposed to be sleeping, Jeff let us know that Nate was getting out of bed to turn on his bedroom light. Each time we instructed Jeff to tell him to turn off his light, he would return and tell us that he would continue to get out of bed and turn it on again. I finally went downstairs and instructed Nate to turn off his light so he could sleep. He said, "but Dad, I need to sleep with my light on." I reminded him that he has never slept with his light on and it was not cool to begin to do so now. "But Dad, I'm going to sleep with the light on, because it is okay." "Well, if you sleep with the light on, it will wake you up in the middle of the night and you won't be able to sleep and then you'll be grumpy in the morning because you didn't get enough sleep." "No, Dad, the light won't keep me up." "Why do you want to sleep with the light on?" "Because Bryson told me that there are monsters

Thanks, Derek, for the reminder. I was about to break a habit. I've decided the rambling on about each day of the previous week just doesn't work for me. I'd rather just ramble, so "I beg your pardon", but here I go. This week has been as hectic as ever. Matt will remain in his cast until near the end of February. Hallelujah when that day arrives! Coralee and I have decided it will be too difficult to try and bring him to church while he is in the cast, because it has already been challenging enough to juggle him and an infant at church, even before the injury. I stayed home this week for the first half, and then Coralee returned and allowed me to go for the latter half to teach my lesson. For an hour prior to my opportunity to go to church, I spent it cleaning up poop that Matt managed to get all throughout his cast. Apparently, this kid had been saving up and he managed to drop a "man sized" load. This may have been more than a "man sized&

Friday's generally slow down a little at work, so it gives me a good opportunity to blog. Since I haven't been in the habit of blogging much in the past year, I will try to do this each Friday. We'll see how long it will actually continue. Like all resolutions going into the New Year, most of mine fizzle out by the first or second week. One of my resolutions from last year was to run on the treadmill. I've heard that Gold's Gym has come up with something called CardioCinema. I guess it is a room with all kinds of exercise equipment, and all of the exercise is done to a movie. Apparently, it is very popular. This is no different than what I was doing last year. Our treadmill is down in the family room, and that is where we do some of our movie watching. The idea was to run while watching a movie. That lasted for about three movies worth, and then I became the same old, excercise-less soul that I am today. Ah well! Resolutions, I believe, are made to be br