My first kiss....a flatulent experience

My family had just moved to Kamas, Utah, and I was the new kid on the block. The new blood in a small town made me a fascinating prospect for the ladies. I had never had so much attention and I was loving it.

Shelley Smith lived only a few houses from mine; just around the block. She started coming over to the house and we spent a lot of time together: riding our bikes, slurping cherry sno-cones from Dick's Drive-Inn, and fishing in the stream that parted our houses. She was the only person I really knew that summer, and she became my best friend.

One night, we were bouncing on her trampoline and she asked me if I "would go with her."

"Where?"

"No, I mean, will you go with me? You know, we are boyfriend and girlfriend."

"Oh, yeah....sure. Can we still go fishing?"

"Yeah. I think so. I think the only thing different is that we get to hold hands and kiss."

With those words, my heart raced and my palms started sweating. I liked Shelley a lot, but I hadn't prepared myself for this conversation, nor the events to follow.

My voice cracked a little, "Sure, I think that's a good idea. When do we start?"

"Have you brushed your teeth today?"

I don't think I had brushed in a week. "I think so, but I can run home and brush right now. Or, I have some gum in my pocket. We could just chew on that."

"I don't think we want to kiss with gum in our mouths. I heard a story once where two people kissing were chewing gum and they both swallowed the other person's gum. Ewww! Gross!"

For someone who was so good at wrapping a worm around a fish hook, I thought losing your gum to the person who wanted to kiss you wasn't a repulsive thought.

"Well, I think my mom wants me home now. Can you come over tomorrow," I asked.

We parted ways....without a kiss.

That night, my mind raced with the prospect of kissing Shelley Smith. I wasn't sure what to do. Would I be any good at this? Do you breathe when kissing? What if the kiss goes on so long I pass out? Do I lick my lips so they're moist before kissing? Where do my hands go? What if my nose bumps into hers? After we kiss, will she not like me anymore?

I finally succumbed to sleep.

The next morning, Shelley came over on her bike. Her hair was different, and I think she was even wearing lip gloss. I had Cherry Chapstick in my pocket and I had been putting it on all morning.

Before she came over, I told my brothers, Rod and Curtis, that I was going to get my first kiss today. They both laughed and gave all kinds of advice. (Both are younger and their suggestions were mostly wacky and immature.)

"Hi Shelley, you wanna go get a sno-cone?"

"Maybe later."

"Okay, how 'bout fishin'?"

"No, that will just make me dirty and I will smell like a fish."

"Okay."

"Can we go in the backyard?"

With that, she grabbed my hand and we walked into the back yard. She then leaned up against the back of the house and pulled me close.

"I brushed my teeth," I said.

"Great! Me too!"

"I didn't sleep last night. I think I heard a dog barking"

The anticipation of the kiss made me so nervous that I forgot about the earlier step of holding hands. I looked down and realized that we had our fingers locked and it felt nice. Her hands were soft. When I looked back up, she was looking into my eyes with a different intensity than I had seen before. She looked deep in thought and she wasn't interested in talking anymore.

"Are you ready for this?"

"I am ready."

Just as we were leaning in for the kiss, I caught movement from my left. I turned to see what was happening. Rod had been peering from the corner of the garage; anxious to learn from my experience. He was running directly toward us and he screamed, "Watch out! I'm coming through!" As he approached, he erupted with vibrating sounds with every step. He cut his way right between us.

I had never heard someone pass gas with such power. He had revved his way from the corner of the garage, all the way into the house......spoiling the mood and the moment.